Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
