all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
