On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
