Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
