There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
