i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
