When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
