and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
