I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
