Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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