I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We're too hungover to prance.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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