my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
