I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
