I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
