Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
