Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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