If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
