things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
