More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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