I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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