Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
