listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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