I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
