Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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