dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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