Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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