i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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