I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
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should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.