also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
