she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
