my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
