Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
