I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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