Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
