all she had left on were here heels. phone five
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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