glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
