It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
