I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
