I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
