(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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