What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize