A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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