I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
