If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
