i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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