totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize