I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
