I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
