i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
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Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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