I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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