Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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