Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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