Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it penis luge time yet?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
