we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
