My room smells like vodka and shame
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
