A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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