Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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