By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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